Mind-tricks by the Body?

Cycle #6 turned out to be a normal ovulatory cycle. It already started quite differently from other cycles in that my flow was full and the brightest red of red. And I had actual menstruation cramps. No dodgy half cramps, almost too dull to be noticed, but painful ones. I felt relieved. It felt normal. Then on CD4 I found a huge clot on the toilet paper. It was over half a golf ball size. I could not believe my eyes. Apart from passing the sac, placenta and tissue during my first miscarriage, I never had experienced anything like this before. I panicked at first, but in hindsight, maybe it was a good thing. Maybe it was the final clearing of my uterus. Autumn cleaning? Or wishful thinking?

For the very first time since my first miscarriage, while testing for ovulation, I had a blazing positive on CD13. Two days in a row. I was so happy I started shimmying in front of the bathroom mirror and yelling out to have a party. I had never had positive ovulation tests with my early losses, I figured my surge was too short and I missed it, even when I was testing two times a day. So evidently, we were very busy the next few days. For a whole while I thought I had ovulated on CD15, but Fertility Friend would not put a crosshair on my chart until CD20, where it marked CD17 as the day of my ovulation. Looking back at it, I still think I ovulated on CD15 rather than CD17. But in the end, it did not really matter, because I had negative HPTs the whole Two Week Wait. The odd thing though is that I was so convinced that I was pregnant. I even had the same pains I remember from my first pregnancy on Fertility Friend’s 11DPO. I was convinced it was implantation pain. Especially because a few hours after, I was spotting brown. Only a few drops. And same thing 12DPO. I felt good about it, but still no positive test. But I was still convinced, and I was calm and relaxed, because I knew it was going to pop up soon enough. But instead, Aunt Flow showed her ugly face. Enter Cycle #7.

I had been tricked. I wonder if I just made up all those symptoms now. If anything that cycle, I was very much disappointed in myself. Or was it just the progesterone supplements finally showing me what they can do to your cycle if you have not conceived. On 14DPO I started spotting again, heavier this time. The day after I had a very light flow, so light I was debating whether to classify it as spotting or menses. But this time around, Cycle #7, I was going to take action. I showed up at my gynaecologist’s private practice on CD2 and he wanted to have a look with an ultrasound. I was still not sure if I was menstruating when we were talking, so when I got ready for the ultrasound and noticed full flow on my pad, I felt really embarrassed. He still wanted to go ahead to make sure nothing was wrong, because after the pain on 11DPO, I started worrying it might have been a cyst. Everything looked perfect, he said. No cysts, no abnormalities. He even showed me two big follicles in my left ovary that were likely to be released soon. I remember I thought they looked really big and ready to burst. (Which is absurd because I have no clue how big mature follicles look like on an ultrasound, of course.) He gave me paperwork for a semen analysis for my husband and blood work for me around 10DPO.

I was taking by surprise with this cycle’s early ovulation though. I had one positive ovulation test on CD10 and probably ovulated on CD11. Maybe the follicles really were big because ovulation would be there soon. Two days ago, my husband’s SA results came back. The count was good, but the motility and morphology were below average. My gynaecologist told me not to worry and said things are doable. I got upset with that term, what does that even mean? My husband took it really bad, he was greatly disappointed with himself and felt very guilty towards me. And so I in turn felt guilty for him feeling bad. We had never thought something might be off on his side. But does it really matter when we were able to conceive so many times and so easily? I have a feeling this one time SA does not really reflect the long-term quality. No one conceives with any of the low motility and abnormal morphology semen anyway. It is still a survival of the fittest in the race to the egg. And I am hoping we caught it this time. And that we caught it good. And that in about 38 weeks, we will be holding our strong and healthy baby.

One thought on “Mind-tricks by the Body?

  1. Praying for you & your healthy take home baby! Which will come in God’s perfect timing. You will look back & see that He was in control the whole time :)

    Blessing,
    Maria

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