A Big Fat Full Moon

I was sitting down yesterday afternoon, having a rest while working on putting together a chest of drawers for our bedroom and I decided to watch and catch up with one of my guilty pleasures, Up All Night. As the title sequence rolled on the screen, I particularly noticed the part where Reagan and Chris are sitting down on the bathroom floor, looking at each other desperately after having a positive home pregnancy test. This is a TV show, but I still had to laugh. In a sad, bitter way. Because things could not be so much further from the truth in my case. A positive test certainly does not mean having a baby. Five do not either. Twenty? …No.

I have been peeing on a stick since what probably was seven days past ovulation. My cheap One Step sticks I got through Amazon all showed really faint lines, so faint I was sure they were just evaporations. So last Sunday, on eleven days past ovulation and coincidentally a nice big full moon, I decided to pull out one of my FRERs (First Response Early Result) or, as I like to call them, magic wands. Sure enough, not even three minutes into waiting, a line showed up. My heart skipped a beat and then I immediately started crying. Sheer worry. What if we have to go through heartache again? What if we loose it again? What if? My husband held me and kept saying: ‘It’s still early. Let’s see what happens first.’ Keep our feet on the ground. Don’t start floating now.

I gave myself a day off of testing yesterday. I just enjoyed the fact that I had a nice clear line and that I was pregnant. Without worry. If it takes about 48 hours for HCG to double, then I only have to test every other day. I put the positive FRER in the pocket of my sweater and kept it with me all day long. I pulled it out now and then and stared at it with a big grin on my face and then I tucked it away safely again, tapping it gently. I had all of the early pregnancy symptoms plus some extra twinges and pulls in my tummy and my bladder was just full all the time.

And so, this morning, a dreary, grey and rainy day, it was time for another FRER. I thought I was prepared for every outcome. It was going to be okay if the line was fainter. I was prepared. But I had just seen my temperatures, they were high and I was hopeful. I tested and put the FRER in front of me next to the bathroom sink. And then came three minutes of staring without blinking…

Four minutes…

It seemed like eternity and it felt like seconds at the same time.

Five minutes…

Six minutes…

Seven minutes…

Nothing.

There was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even a hint of a line. Not even the faintest of the faintest lines. And with the emptiness went my hopes. I kept strong at first, because I told myself I was prepared for this. But after I ate the last bit of my breakfast cereal, I crashed. I broke into a thousand pieces. It happened again. It happened again. Did it happen again?

3 thoughts on “A Big Fat Full Moon

  1. Hi! I have been meaning to leave you a comment since I found your blog & as I was reading some Scripture I thought of you :) I have been following your story since the Nov ’12 DDC & I just wanted to say that I truly admire your courage :) You are a very strong woman & I know you will prevail despite the circumstances & the heartaches.

    “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

  2. I am a fellow veteran of recurrent early loss. I have had 6 chemicals, and that is with ART. Did you ever have success in then end?

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